poetry: thoughts of a criminal

if i knew being black was a crime,
i would have bleached my skin with ignorance.
decolored every ounce of my ancestors
painted across my face – i’d bury them deep
beneath my white bones like i was saving
them for when winter passes – when winter passes
i’ll know what it feels like to be loved by a world
who smoked me til ashes. i’ll blind my eyes.
disintegrate all i once held dear to my heart
and blow them into the winds. watch them
dance among dead souls with black holes
that once held their trust there. they’ll vanish
into the abyss. but, i’ll worry. frighten myself
into believing in the magic of dreams beyond
nightmares – my skin is the shadowed dream
of a nightmare. like babies in a womb,
i’ll contract my history. push away my fathers
like their breaths smelled of rape. i’ll shutter,
because i know i am trapped in a cage – i’ll
stay trapped in a name i didn’t ask for. apprehended
in a frame like africa was to blame. and i
can’t be rescued – cornered like my past
and present ran into each other. i am condemned for a crime
i had nothing to do with. crucified on a cross
my people built for me. so, i blame my mother.
she’s the queen that locked me away in this tower,
placed a black crown on my head and blessed me
with dishonor – it’s like my skin is a dishonor, i’ve
been torched like rusted mahogany laying on
it’s death bed. death has no mercy on people like me,
love. god shows no grace for people like me, love.
i am black. black like demons hiding away
in the quarters of hell. black like spoiled happiness
on cold night. black like the taste of blues on my
lips. black like black should be. black like black is me.
black, black, black. i am black. and no man
or woman can change that. so i’ll greet jail
when judgement day arrives for me. smile
at myself whenever a mirror confronts me. i’ll love
myself like black died for me. and pray, that it’ll
never have the common sense to leave my side.

– thoughts of a criminal by lj hughes